What are you complaining about?

I attended a meeting last week when nothing seemed to go right. It was a two hour session of “Yeah, but…,” “We tried that before…,” “If only…,” and so on. I began enthused and energetic. I departed looking like a deflated balloon, spent and useless. The Judge Within started its usual lecture, “Well, Ms Life Coach, coach thyself. Figure it out.” Right. So being 100% human, I decided the best course of action was to continue whining to my husband when I arrived home. Not a good day.

We all know someone whose middle name is Whine. We also know that person, even when entertaining, can wallop the wind right out of our sails. The blessing of complainers is that they often zero in on what is not working. The challenge is to do something to resolve the problem. The important question is…Whose problem? (Keep reading.)

Many social and work groups immediately identify their discretely appointed complainer. The complainer’s standard position is criticism versus solution; it’s simple, no work, no responsibility. As the official complainers, we are relied upon for the whining portion of discussions. Who are we if we stop complaining? What would we talk about? Complaining is part of our identity. Yet it leaves us and our audience drained. I get tired just writing about it.

The gift in complaining signals that we are not happy with something. Are we willing to act upon that discontent? Complaining manifests our desire to tear down what is unfulfilling. We open up new space for something gratifying and uplifting.

If our complaints are focused on others, we may be surprised at what we find. Could it be that we have the same fault we nitpick in others? Are we jealous that they have something we wish we had? Let’s take a break from our complaining to ask, “What does my complaining tell me I need?” Creativity flows and the wind is back in the sails again.

Activities:

1. Listen to your complaining. What is its theme? What does your complaining tell you that you need?
2. If you are a habitual complainer (ask your most trusted friend), ask someone who cares about you to signal when you are complaining. Just becoming aware of our complaining weakens its grasp.
3. Make a list of 3-5 steps to get what your complaints tell you that you need.
4. If you decide you are not going to do anything about something you are complaining about, decide to cross it off your ‘old, reliable’ whining list. Deciding to let go of complaining about a specific irritant, destroys its negative hold on us.

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others.
-Francois de Fenelon-