Setting Boundaries

When we are hurt, annoyed, angered or bothered by something someone does to us, we allowed it to happen. We can stop these hurtful, annoying or bothersome behaviors with grace and tact. Both our dignity and that of the other person remain intact with the strategies listed below. Relationships can be conserved, if that is wanted, and even deepened. Mutual respect blossoms.

Follow the strategies in order. Proceed to each consecutive strategy only after trying the one prior. Keep your voice steady and calm. Speak as calmly as you would if you were saying, “The grass is green.”

1. Tell. Let the offender know that you are hurt or annoyed and why. We often assume that the offender just knows or should know that the comment, or its delivery, is offensive. Not always true. Responses such as “Your yelling is bothering me.” “That remark hurt my feelings.” let the offender know that he/she has crossed a line (your boundary). Sometimes, he/she is surprised and will apologize, even be embarrassed. Many times Step 1, spoken in a neutral tone, works immediately and the behavior desists. At other times, it is necessary to go to Step 2.

2. Ask. Ask the offender to stop the offensive behavior. “I ask that you stop raising your voice at me.” “I ask that you stop giving me your feedback now.” This increases your level of seriousness and is requesting the offender to stop immediately. If this does not work, go to Step 3.

3. Insist. Insisting raises the bar of your resolve for the behavior to stop. “I insist you lower your voice now.” “I insist that you stop giving me your opinion about this subject.” The language is stronger, the tone remains neutral.

4. Leave. Simply go to another room or completely leave the area. The challenge here is to do without anger, sarcasm or drama. “I cannot continue talking to you while you are yelling at me.” “I cannot stay here and listen to your criticism.” Then LEAVE (without drama).

Ideally, this strategy works best when we are in a one-on-one situation. No one likes to be corrected in the company of others. When admonished in a room of people, the offender may become more offensive to save face. They may feel humiliated which hurts the relationship. If your goal is to set your boundaries and to preserve the relationship, utilize this strategy in one-on-one settings. If this is not possible, tell the offender privately and in advance that you are no longer willing to be spoken to in the same manner (describe it) and that you will be telling, asking and insisting that he/she stop. Inform him/her. If these tools do not work, you will need to physically leave the situation until conversation can be conducted with mutual respect. You will be surprised at how many individuals just needed to know the behavior was offensive. If he/she continues to disrespect your boundaries, it may be time to ask,” Does this person serve my highest good?” and make decisions about the value of the relationship in your life.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Mark Twain