What are you complaining about?

I attended a meeting last week when nothing seemed to go right. It was a two hour session of “Yeah, but…,” “We tried that before…,” “If only…,” and so on. I began enthused and energetic. I departed looking like a deflated balloon, spent and useless. The Judge Within started its usual lecture, “Well, Ms Life Coach, coach thyself. Figure it out.” Right. So being 100% human, I decided the best course of action was to continue whining to my husband when I arrived home. Not a good day.

We all know someone whose middle name is Whine. We also know that person, even when entertaining, can wallop the wind right out of our sails. The blessing of complainers is that they often zero in on what is not working. The challenge is to do something to resolve the problem. The important question is…Whose problem? (Keep reading.)

Many social and work groups immediately identify their discretely appointed complainer. The complainer’s standard position is criticism versus solution; it’s simple, no work, no responsibility. As the official complainers, we are relied upon for the whining portion of discussions. Who are we if we stop complaining? What would we talk about? Complaining is part of our identity. Yet it leaves us and our audience drained. I get tired just writing about it.

The gift in complaining signals that we are not happy with something. Are we willing to act upon that discontent? Complaining manifests our desire to tear down what is unfulfilling. We open up new space for something gratifying and uplifting.

If our complaints are focused on others, we may be surprised at what we find. Could it be that we have the same fault we nitpick in others? Are we jealous that they have something we wish we had? Let’s take a break from our complaining to ask, “What does my complaining tell me I need?” Creativity flows and the wind is back in the sails again.

Activities:

1. Listen to your complaining. What is its theme? What does your complaining tell you that you need?
2. If you are a habitual complainer (ask your most trusted friend), ask someone who cares about you to signal when you are complaining. Just becoming aware of our complaining weakens its grasp.
3. Make a list of 3-5 steps to get what your complaints tell you that you need.
4. If you decide you are not going to do anything about something you are complaining about, decide to cross it off your ‘old, reliable’ whining list. Deciding to let go of complaining about a specific irritant, destroys its negative hold on us.

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others.
-Francois de Fenelon-

Jealousy: "I want what he has."

Jealousy tells us life is unfair to us, yet generous to others. Abundance and luck appear to be lopsided in someone else’s favor. Jealousy can be aimed at friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, strangers, even the “rich and famous”. The feeling becomes even more uncomfortable if it is someone close to us such as a spouse, a parent, a child, a close friend. By simply acknowledging that jealousy is a normal human feeling, we start to decrease its negative energy and power over our emotions.

Moving beyond jealousy requires that we do not encourage it with negative mind chatter (“Sam wouldn’t live in that neighborhood if his parents hadn’t given him the money.”). Letting go of jealousy also means no gossiping with others, openly or with false pretense (“Oh? I thought you knew Sam’s parents gave him the money to live in that neighborhood.”).

Jealousy’s gift is that it speaks to us about what is important to us. We want what we are jealous of. Be honest, say it out loud (“I want to live in a neighborhood like Sam’s.”). This is being conscious and truthful. The grip of jealousy loosens. What is it we are jealous of? relationships? career? possessions (which ones)? personality traits (confidence, success, peacefulness, intelligence, etc.)? When we definitively recognize what we are jealous of, we can often create it in our own lives.

Another lesson from jealousy is acceptance. Perhaps we are jealous that our friend has the “perfect marriage” (relationship), or that our sibling has become renowned (fame) in his/her field. What if we cannot resolve our jealousy by creating a wonderful relationship with a spouse or becoming prominent in our field of work? Perhaps we can create what we want (relationship/fame) on a different scale. We could build an amazing relationship with a friend or colleague, or we can become known for our talents in organizing a charity or sports event.

Finally, it may be that the beauty of becoming conscious of our jealousy lies in accepting that our distinctive path is different for a reason we may or may not ever know. Acceptance propels us forward. Our unique life has its own meaning, it own magic, it own magnificence…in this we fulfill who we really are.

Activity: Make a list of your jealous statements. Look for what is it that you are jealous of. (It is not the person we are jealous of. Our jealousy is about who they are, what they have or what they represent.) Are your jealousies related to: family? career? relationships? health? income? marriage? fun/recreation? education? Journal about bringing what you have identified as the reason for your jealousy into your own life. Consider creating this new “thing” in a way that adds to the quality of your own one-of-a-kind life.

"Jealousy is the tie that binds, and binds, and binds."
Helen Rowland

You may copy or forward e-clips insofar as the company name of Breakout Life Coaching is included in the copy.
Privacy Policy: Your privacy is very important. I will not give, sell or share your email address to any individual or organization.

Setting Boundaries

When we are hurt, annoyed, angered or bothered by something someone does to us, we allowed it to happen. We can stop these hurtful, annoying or bothersome behaviors with grace and tact. Both our dignity and that of the other person remain intact with the strategies listed below. Relationships can be conserved, if that is wanted, and even deepened. Mutual respect blossoms.

Follow the strategies in order. Proceed to each consecutive strategy only after trying the one prior. Keep your voice steady and calm. Speak as calmly as you would if you were saying, “The grass is green.”

1. Tell. Let the offender know that you are hurt or annoyed and why. We often assume that the offender just knows or should know that the comment, or its delivery, is offensive. Not always true. Responses such as “Your yelling is bothering me.” “That remark hurt my feelings.” let the offender know that he/she has crossed a line (your boundary). Sometimes, he/she is surprised and will apologize, even be embarrassed. Many times Step 1, spoken in a neutral tone, works immediately and the behavior desists. At other times, it is necessary to go to Step 2.

2. Ask. Ask the offender to stop the offensive behavior. “I ask that you stop raising your voice at me.” “I ask that you stop giving me your feedback now.” This increases your level of seriousness and is requesting the offender to stop immediately. If this does not work, go to Step 3.

3. Insist. Insisting raises the bar of your resolve for the behavior to stop. “I insist you lower your voice now.” “I insist that you stop giving me your opinion about this subject.” The language is stronger, the tone remains neutral.

4. Leave. Simply go to another room or completely leave the area. The challenge here is to do without anger, sarcasm or drama. “I cannot continue talking to you while you are yelling at me.” “I cannot stay here and listen to your criticism.” Then LEAVE (without drama).

Ideally, this strategy works best when we are in a one-on-one situation. No one likes to be corrected in the company of others. When admonished in a room of people, the offender may become more offensive to save face. They may feel humiliated which hurts the relationship. If your goal is to set your boundaries and to preserve the relationship, utilize this strategy in one-on-one settings. If this is not possible, tell the offender privately and in advance that you are no longer willing to be spoken to in the same manner (describe it) and that you will be telling, asking and insisting that he/she stop. Inform him/her. If these tools do not work, you will need to physically leave the situation until conversation can be conducted with mutual respect. You will be surprised at how many individuals just needed to know the behavior was offensive. If he/she continues to disrespect your boundaries, it may be time to ask,” Does this person serve my highest good?” and make decisions about the value of the relationship in your life.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Mark Twain