As adults, we may no longer hear our inner-me voice. We seek acceptance of new friends, work groups, neighborhoods and professional affiliations. We feel validated when we are accepted. Accepted by pleasing others. Accepted by everyone except ourselves. We no longer remember how to ask for what we need. We have given up our power to please others. We avoid conflict and confrontation because disagreement might bring rejection. Self expression takes place silently in our own heads. We imagine what we wanted to say, but never did.
To recover from people pleasing, we must first understand that through pleasing others we mistakenly believe we are creating a safe place where we are valued. Validation is at someone else’s mercy and whim. We feel appreciated for a short time and then are right back to feeling empty again. Approval seeking of others prevents us from seeing that we are really disapproving of ourselves. We know we are not being true to ourselves, doing what we need to do to be whole and genuine. The fear of others’ rejection mirrors our own rejection of our very selves.
What is the cost of pervasive people pleasing in our lives? We feel out-of-step with ourselves because we have surrendered our integrity by surrendering our true voice. We feel discontent and aren’t sure why…after all, we are so liked by so many. Over time, people pleasing results in our resentment, exhaustion and neediness. Others are in charge of us. We feel victimized.
We can wake up our inner voice by simply listening again. The wisdom of this voice pursues our highest good. It knows what we really want and need. This voice wants to be heard to bring us back home to us again.
Activities:
1. As you go through the day, notice when you are people pleasing. Is it in your best interest to please in this situation? Think about the benefit or the cost to you. Be honest. Simply acknowledging when, where and how you are people pleasing and the cost to your self-expression initiates understanding and change. Wonderful things begin to happen.
2. Think of a particular relationship in which you feel you are always the pleaser. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because it is right and good for me or because I want to please this person to be liked/loved/accepted?” Journal about whatever comes up for you as you ask yourself these questions: “How am I giving up my power to this person?” “What am I afraid of losing?” “What do I need to have the courage to be honest with this person?”
Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
Seneca
