What are you complaining about?

I attended a meeting last week when nothing seemed to go right. It was a two hour session of “Yeah, but…,” “We tried that before…,” “If only…,” and so on. I began enthused and energetic. I departed looking like a deflated balloon, spent and useless. The Judge Within started its usual lecture, “Well, Ms Life Coach, coach thyself. Figure it out.” Right. So being 100% human, I decided the best course of action was to continue whining to my husband when I arrived home. Not a good day.

We all know someone whose middle name is Whine. We also know that person, even when entertaining, can wallop the wind right out of our sails. The blessing of complainers is that they often zero in on what is not working. The challenge is to do something to resolve the problem. The important question is…Whose problem? (Keep reading.)

Many social and work groups immediately identify their discretely appointed complainer. The complainer’s standard position is criticism versus solution; it’s simple, no work, no responsibility. As the official complainers, we are relied upon for the whining portion of discussions. Who are we if we stop complaining? What would we talk about? Complaining is part of our identity. Yet it leaves us and our audience drained. I get tired just writing about it.

The gift in complaining signals that we are not happy with something. Are we willing to act upon that discontent? Complaining manifests our desire to tear down what is unfulfilling. We open up new space for something gratifying and uplifting.

If our complaints are focused on others, we may be surprised at what we find. Could it be that we have the same fault we nitpick in others? Are we jealous that they have something we wish we had? Let’s take a break from our complaining to ask, “What does my complaining tell me I need?” Creativity flows and the wind is back in the sails again.

Activities:

1. Listen to your complaining. What is its theme? What does your complaining tell you that you need?
2. If you are a habitual complainer (ask your most trusted friend), ask someone who cares about you to signal when you are complaining. Just becoming aware of our complaining weakens its grasp.
3. Make a list of 3-5 steps to get what your complaints tell you that you need.
4. If you decide you are not going to do anything about something you are complaining about, decide to cross it off your ‘old, reliable’ whining list. Deciding to let go of complaining about a specific irritant, destroys its negative hold on us.

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others.
-Francois de Fenelon-

Jealousy: "I want what he has."

Jealousy tells us life is unfair to us, yet generous to others. Abundance and luck appear to be lopsided in someone else’s favor. Jealousy can be aimed at friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, strangers, even the “rich and famous”. The feeling becomes even more uncomfortable if it is someone close to us such as a spouse, a parent, a child, a close friend. By simply acknowledging that jealousy is a normal human feeling, we start to decrease its negative energy and power over our emotions.

Moving beyond jealousy requires that we do not encourage it with negative mind chatter (“Sam wouldn’t live in that neighborhood if his parents hadn’t given him the money.”). Letting go of jealousy also means no gossiping with others, openly or with false pretense (“Oh? I thought you knew Sam’s parents gave him the money to live in that neighborhood.”).

Jealousy’s gift is that it speaks to us about what is important to us. We want what we are jealous of. Be honest, say it out loud (“I want to live in a neighborhood like Sam’s.”). This is being conscious and truthful. The grip of jealousy loosens. What is it we are jealous of? relationships? career? possessions (which ones)? personality traits (confidence, success, peacefulness, intelligence, etc.)? When we definitively recognize what we are jealous of, we can often create it in our own lives.

Another lesson from jealousy is acceptance. Perhaps we are jealous that our friend has the “perfect marriage” (relationship), or that our sibling has become renowned (fame) in his/her field. What if we cannot resolve our jealousy by creating a wonderful relationship with a spouse or becoming prominent in our field of work? Perhaps we can create what we want (relationship/fame) on a different scale. We could build an amazing relationship with a friend or colleague, or we can become known for our talents in organizing a charity or sports event.

Finally, it may be that the beauty of becoming conscious of our jealousy lies in accepting that our distinctive path is different for a reason we may or may not ever know. Acceptance propels us forward. Our unique life has its own meaning, it own magic, it own magnificence…in this we fulfill who we really are.

Activity: Make a list of your jealous statements. Look for what is it that you are jealous of. (It is not the person we are jealous of. Our jealousy is about who they are, what they have or what they represent.) Are your jealousies related to: family? career? relationships? health? income? marriage? fun/recreation? education? Journal about bringing what you have identified as the reason for your jealousy into your own life. Consider creating this new “thing” in a way that adds to the quality of your own one-of-a-kind life.

"Jealousy is the tie that binds, and binds, and binds."
Helen Rowland

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Setting Boundaries

When we are hurt, annoyed, angered or bothered by something someone does to us, we allowed it to happen. We can stop these hurtful, annoying or bothersome behaviors with grace and tact. Both our dignity and that of the other person remain intact with the strategies listed below. Relationships can be conserved, if that is wanted, and even deepened. Mutual respect blossoms.

Follow the strategies in order. Proceed to each consecutive strategy only after trying the one prior. Keep your voice steady and calm. Speak as calmly as you would if you were saying, “The grass is green.”

1. Tell. Let the offender know that you are hurt or annoyed and why. We often assume that the offender just knows or should know that the comment, or its delivery, is offensive. Not always true. Responses such as “Your yelling is bothering me.” “That remark hurt my feelings.” let the offender know that he/she has crossed a line (your boundary). Sometimes, he/she is surprised and will apologize, even be embarrassed. Many times Step 1, spoken in a neutral tone, works immediately and the behavior desists. At other times, it is necessary to go to Step 2.

2. Ask. Ask the offender to stop the offensive behavior. “I ask that you stop raising your voice at me.” “I ask that you stop giving me your feedback now.” This increases your level of seriousness and is requesting the offender to stop immediately. If this does not work, go to Step 3.

3. Insist. Insisting raises the bar of your resolve for the behavior to stop. “I insist you lower your voice now.” “I insist that you stop giving me your opinion about this subject.” The language is stronger, the tone remains neutral.

4. Leave. Simply go to another room or completely leave the area. The challenge here is to do without anger, sarcasm or drama. “I cannot continue talking to you while you are yelling at me.” “I cannot stay here and listen to your criticism.” Then LEAVE (without drama).

Ideally, this strategy works best when we are in a one-on-one situation. No one likes to be corrected in the company of others. When admonished in a room of people, the offender may become more offensive to save face. They may feel humiliated which hurts the relationship. If your goal is to set your boundaries and to preserve the relationship, utilize this strategy in one-on-one settings. If this is not possible, tell the offender privately and in advance that you are no longer willing to be spoken to in the same manner (describe it) and that you will be telling, asking and insisting that he/she stop. Inform him/her. If these tools do not work, you will need to physically leave the situation until conversation can be conducted with mutual respect. You will be surprised at how many individuals just needed to know the behavior was offensive. If he/she continues to disrespect your boundaries, it may be time to ask,” Does this person serve my highest good?” and make decisions about the value of the relationship in your life.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Mark Twain

Recovering from People Pleasing: Being the Authentic You

People pleasing is a widespread, major obstacle to living a fulfilling, happy life. This disease (dis ease: not at ease with ourselves) taught us at a young age that if we did what others wanted, people would like us. We would be accepted. If we did what we wanted, sometimes we were liked, sometimes not. We risked rejection. The external rewards of friends, privileges, position and possessions silenced our unique self-expression. The need to fit in with family and friends overcame our real self. We suppressed the “real me”.

As adults, we may no longer hear our inner-me voice. We seek acceptance of new friends, work groups, neighborhoods and professional affiliations. We feel validated when we are accepted. Accepted by pleasing others. Accepted by everyone except ourselves. We no longer remember how to ask for what we need. We have given up our power to please others. We avoid conflict and confrontation because disagreement might bring rejection. Self expression takes place silently in our own heads. We imagine what we wanted to say, but never did.

To recover from people pleasing, we must first understand that through pleasing others we mistakenly believe we are creating a safe place where we are valued. Validation is at someone else’s mercy and whim. We feel appreciated for a short time and then are right back to feeling empty again. Approval seeking of others prevents us from seeing that we are really disapproving of ourselves. We know we are not being true to ourselves, doing what we need to do to be whole and genuine. The fear of others’ rejection mirrors our own rejection of our very selves.

What is the cost of pervasive people pleasing in our lives? We feel out-of-step with ourselves because we have surrendered our integrity by surrendering our true voice. We feel discontent and aren’t sure why…after all, we are so liked by so many. Over time, people pleasing results in our resentment, exhaustion and neediness. Others are in charge of us. We feel victimized.

We can wake up our inner voice by simply listening again. The wisdom of this voice pursues our highest good. It knows what we really want and need. This voice wants to be heard to bring us back home to us again.

Activities:
1. As you go through the day, notice when you are people pleasing. Is it in your best interest to please in this situation? Think about the benefit or the cost to you. Be honest. Simply acknowledging when, where and how you are people pleasing and the cost to your self-expression initiates understanding and change. Wonderful things begin to happen.

2. Think of a particular relationship in which you feel you are always the pleaser. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because it is right and good for me or because I want to please this person to be liked/loved/accepted?” Journal about whatever comes up for you as you ask yourself these questions: “How am I giving up my power to this person?” “What am I afraid of losing?” “What do I need to have the courage to be honest with this person?”

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.

Seneca

California Dreamin'

Setting Intention

My husband Lou and I came to California on a vacation many years ago. We both instantly knew that this was where we wanted to live “some day”. We felt an overwhelming sense of belonging, peace and inspiration. Our California dream was put in the attic of our minds and fell into a deep sleep. One evening twenty years later and out of the total blue, I felt extraordinarily inspired to act on our California dream. I had no idea of how, why or where, but I knew that we just had to move to California within the year, even if we just packed our bags and left. Lou knew this was genuine and true for us. He jumped right on board. Our intention was set within moments: “We are moving to California.”

The universe rapidly began to work for us in ways we could have never planned or expected. Within 3 months, Lou was living in Southern California with a job promotion during a time when attaining a cross country relocation in his position was the needle in a haystack. I gave job notice following my California decision and stayed in Ohio to finish my contract and sell our home. I began to build my growing coaching business. Within one year almost to the day, Lou and I were living in Corona del Mar, California, a mile and a half walk from the beach. Ahhh…

I witness our story repeatedly, albeit with different outcomes. Clients become entrepreneurs, authors, artists. They find fulfilling relationships, start their own businesses, increase their business size and profits, get a promotion, learn to enjoy “their own time” again, move, find a rewarding career, retire (“renew”) without looking back. They stop postponing today for some day. In other words, they become unstuck and start living a life they really want and they do it now.

What do inspired dreamers have in common? They are no different from any one of us. They have the same fears (“What if…?” “I should…”). They have the same hope that life can be much better. They follow their inspiration and intuition. They silence the inner naysayer, the saboteur who instills fear to lock them up in their safe (and boring or miserable) comfort zones. They focus on what they want and stop worrying about how it will happen.

What can we do to move forward to what we really want?
1. Get clear on what we really want. Create an inspirational intention. Stay with it. If it’s one thing today and another tomorrow, twenty years pass and we’re still getting what we always had. What is the ONE thing we really want? Name it. Write it. Say it. Post it.

2. Make space for new things to enter our lives. Clear our physical, mental, emotional and social spaces of anything that does not support our new intention. Distance ourselves from those who negate our dreams. How can anything new come in if we have filled all our space? How can we progress if we surround ourselves with naysayers?

3. Surround yourself with support. Create a physical, mental, emotional and social environment that generates energy for our new intention. Make a vision board of what our new life would look like if our intention had already happened. Associate with those who encourage and motivate us.

4. Allow it to happen. Get rid of old beliefs that no longer serve us. Dispose of obsolete conditioning that dictates antiquated thoughts and actions. Perhaps we “used to be” something we no longer are. What are your new beliefs about you as you are now?

5. Take inspired action. Follow our intuition. Our gut KNOWS: listen to it and act. The universe helps us if we take even the tiniest steps to move forward. Things happen that we would never anticipate. We draw positive events, people and ideas that help us on our way.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. Henry David Thoreau

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough money. No one will help me. I feel stuck. My family’s needs come ahead of mine. I have to take care of my parents. When my kids are in college. I don’t have enough money. If I had a different boss or job. I am too old. I am too tired. I am too inexperienced. I don’t have the right education.
Any of these excuses sound familiar? What is your favorite excuse? If you are not sure, ask a friend or relative. Those who regularly interact with us instantly know the excuse that peppers our everyday language. Language that we are unconsciously using. Language that stunts our growth.
Excuses leave us stuck and stagnating. We create more excuses to validate our headline excuse. We look for examples of our excuse to prove we are right. If we say we don’t have enough time then we create a calendar to confirm to ourselves, and to others, we are just too busy. Our excuses and our reasons to support them build evidence. The evidence we need to prove to ourselves that we are right, in spite of being wrong. Our excuses convince us that we are safe exactly where we are. And “safe” feels better than change, even if “safe” is an uncomfortable and unhappy place for us.
Our higher self, the true us, does not accept excuses and wants to grow. Our higher self knows we are capable of being, feeling and doing so much more. It is the quiet nudge, the inner knowing, that causes us to pause, reflect and dream big dreams. Dreams that can really come true…without excuses.
Who’s running your life…you or your excuses?
Activities
1. Ask a friend or relative to listen to your language patterns for a week and then tell you the top excuse(s) he/she hears you using. Any surprises?
2. List your top 3 excuses. Ask yourself how you are benefiting from each excuse.
3. List 5 ways your life would be better if your excuse did not exist.
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Moving Beyond Fear

Fear guards our comfort zones. Fear wants us to stay “safe and sound” and avoid discomfort, hurt and failure. Feeling safe in our misery is less scary than heading into the unknown. The downside of staying “safe and sound” is that we become bored, restless or miserable. Life becomes one day just like another. We ask: “Is this all there is?”

Meanwhile, our true selves, are clamoring for more. The “me” inside that feels powerful and inspired, tells us that there IS more to life. Sometimes we know what we want, sometimes we don’t. We just know where we are right now is not working.

We have a choice. We can remain in our safety net until some event forces us to react (e.g., job or relationship loss, illness, empty nest, retirement). Or, we can accept that feeling fear is merely a part of being human. There is no point in allowing fear to paralyze us. If we are to move forward, fear will come and go. We can feel fear move through our body, release it and move forward. Fear is simply a human condition.

Do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Activities
To demystify fear and eradicate its hold on our lives, we need to understand how we manifest it. Fear doesn’t always look like fear, so we must know what it looks like for us. Refer to the list below and see how you express your fear. Then practice the corresponding strategy to allow fear release to its grip.

Does my fear show itself through:

My expectations of myself or others? Do I have hidden expectations of myself (“I have to do it right or not at all,” “I’m the only responsible one,” I don’t have any time for me.”) or of others (“She should know that I need…,” “I’ve never said so, but…) that I have not admitted to myself? or told the other person?
Strategy: Set and say daily positive intentions. Intention places the responsibility on you, not on the understanding or impulse of another. You take back your power when you let go of pent-up expectations of self and others.
Examples: “I am powerful and able to take care of my needs.” “I help myself and others with my unique talents.” “I ask for help when I need it.”

By complaining? blaming? playing victim?
“I don’t have enough time or money.” “My boss does not notice my work.” “My spouse doesn’t help with the kids, so I can’t…”
Strategy: Create a gratitude or abundance journal. Write in it every day. This strategy will help you bring attention to what you do have rather than on what you do not have. Being grateful for what we already have propels us forward.

Through excuses? This is the “If only, then I…” syndrome. We stay stuck because we have a ready excuse for why we don’t have what we want.
Strategy: Create a life log. Every 30-60 minutes, reflect on what you were doing for the last 30-60 minutes. Briefly write it down. After 21 days, the life log shows how you really spend time. The log confirms what you are really committed to doing and being.

By beating yourself up? The negative chatterbox in your head talks at a mile a minute, ruthless and unforgiving with criticism. This destructive self-talk erode any self-confidence.
Strategy 1: Develop a habit of acknowledging yourself every day for 5-10 things that you did, even if you have to start with acknowledging yourself for getting up out of bed on time. Over time, acknowledgements build self confidence and subdue the negative chatter.
Strategy 2: Develop a signal or cue to stop relentless negative self-talk. Consciously and simply say: “STOP. Instead I choose to acknowledge myself for….” Replace each criticism with something positive about you.


Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. Eddie Rickenbacher